Choosing Love
A Letter To A Deputy and An Investigator:
On May 5th I begged to see Saunder. I pleaded to hold him, touch his skin and hair, kiss him… to care for him in his death as I had in his life. I needed this. Wasn’t this my right? He is our son. I carried him; we tended to his every need as a baby, fed his curiosity as a toddler, chased him as a rambunctious boy, encouraged him as an adventurous youth, nursed him as an adolescent and teen with cancer, and steadied and encouraged him as a young man. We are one. Devoted to each other. Providing for each other for 20 years. He was mine to behold with my own eyes and take in my arms. But you told us “the bag is closed”. Your tone was gentle; your words were piercing. You told us to choose a funeral home in order to see our child. And then we waited 6 days. Six days in agony, waiting to confirm this truth — needing to see him to begin the grieving that laid beyond the disbelief and shock.
What I wish you had told us was where control of the state ended and control of Saunder passed to us. Laws changed in 2010 to protect us; to care for us. You should have known the law and acted in accordance. When we said we needed to see him we needed you to be a resource in the darkest time of our life.
I have found forgiveness and love. My heart knows you are good and well intended. Love has allowed me to see past my experience and empathize with yours. We, as a collective, have a responsibility to you just as you have to us. We have not tended to your heart. We have not cared for your well being.
We all can do better.
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Saunder chose love; He lived in Love. I choose the same. Forgiveness resides in the Love Chamber. Resentment, grudges, anger reside in the Fear Chamber — love blockers. Forgiveness is my portal to living in Love.
I know acceptance of our experience and finding forgiveness has come easier for me because of the love, empathy, advocacy, and generosity of our friends Beth and James and others that joined us on the North Shore for the 5 days we waited until we were allowed to see him. Beth and James reached the North Shore ahead of us with intentions to join Search and Rescue. When we learned of Saunder’s death they took on the role of caretakers. Jason and I became childlike – unable to perform functions to meet the basic needs of ourselves, Avery, and Asher. After Jason and I chose a funeral home they were kind, protective, and persistent advocates in the arrangements for Saunder. When I became physically ill at the thought of Saunder in a funeral home and wished for the impossible… to see Saunder again in a beautiful home… Beth, bold and determined, asked the funeral director that Saunder be brought in the morning to their home and the funeral director obliged. On the morning of May 10th my dear Mary and Beth prepared to host an intimate gathering for 40 family members and chosen family members. I finally saw my son!!… basked in sunlight that filled the gorgeous private sunroom adorned in candles and stunning floral arrangements. From this grand display of deep and boundless love healing began, hurt and disappointment eased, and my heart opened to forgiveness.